Invasion of the French Fry People
by Amethyst2
Summary: Green water, Zim's new disguise, Gir's secret powers, Dib's ultra-hydro-missile launcher and lots and lots of ketchup. An action/adventure story with a dash of crazy Zimmy-ness.


The Invasion of the French Fry People  
By Amethyst  
Chapter 1 of 5  
Disclaimers: Jhonen Vasquez owns Invader Zim. I own my computer, Mel, and the French Fry People. Actually, I don't own my computer, my parents do. And Mel refuses to let herself be copyrighted by anyone with as poor fashion sense as I have. So I own the French Fry people, until Gir decides he wants them back. Dib owns his trenchcoat, and Zim owns his spaceship.  
  
Authors Notes: This is an action/adventure story, despite the title. I worked HARD on this plot, believe it or not. I stayed up until ONE IN THE MORNING creating this plot… which probably explains some of the weirder parts. Anyway, this is not slash, although if anyone wants to slashify (is that a verb?) it they have my permission. Not that it's that good, but just in case.   
  
Chapter One  
  
In a small, relatively quiet American town, there was a skool. This skool had many children, and a few teachers, and two new lunch ladies who looked a little odd. The lunch ladies had just come in the day before, and they had some strange new ideas about the menu. But we don't want to give away anything too early, now do we?  
  
Believe it or not, in this small skool, in the tiny classroom of Miss Bitters, rested the fate of the entire Earth. In fact, it rested on the front row. Even more specifically, on two seats in the front row. Actually, on the people who sat in those two seats in the front row for most of the school year.  
  
Assuming you already know who these two are, let us continue on with the story.  
  
Miss Bitters was teaching out of "The Pessimist's Guide to Futile Algebra," which taught that the value of "x" could never, ever be discovered, and was ever changing, and that anyone who attempted to find the value of "x" was merely wasting the worthless days of his life while speeding alone towards ultimate doom. Only two people in the room understood a word of what was being taught. Strangely enough, they were not only also the two upon whom the fate of the world rested, but they were also the two who had good reason not to pay attention. Dib, who had finished this book in 3rd grade, was working on "The Fatalist's Physics Miscomprehension Aide." Zim, who had studied "The Application of Algebra in World Domination" when he was a baby Irken was merely pretending to read the book while dreaming of ways to take over the earth.  
  
~Yes, I will defeat the wretched humans,~ Zim thought to himself, grinning evilly,~ and burn their cities, and destroy their precious currency, and deprive them of the horrendous, repulsive weapon they call water, and I will finally bring DOOM to my worst enemy, Dib! Doom upon him! Doom upon this class! Doom upon the entire earth! Doom! Doom!~  
  
"ZIM!" Miss Bitters shouted.  
  
"Doom!" Zim said automatically, snapping upright.  
  
Miss Bitters looked surprised. "That's correct Zim. Doom, and destruction, and terror, forever and ever, amen." She glared at the cowering children. "Go to lunch now!"   
  
Without a sound, the entire class sprang out of their chairs. As he climbed out of his desk, Dib was eyeing Zim with a sneer.   
  
"Looks like you got lucky, Zim," he said, "but someday you'll mess up in class and give some kind of answer that proves you're not from earth, and everyone will finally realize that you're an alien monster, and you'll rot on an autopsy table in the basement of the FBI!"  
  
"Never, worthless human stinkbeast!" Zim replied with an almost identical sneer. "I will dominate your filthy planet, and enslave all you worthless creatures."   
  
Glaring at each other, they followed the crowd into the cafeteria. In this horrible place resided thousands of bacteria, the eggs of many bugs, and dead vermin of all shapes and sizes- and that was just in the green bean casserole! The scraping of metal chairs against the decaying linoleum floor echoed off the walls constantly, and the smell alone made many children rush to the lavatories for a breath of fresh air. As Dib entered, being careful not to slip on any of the many greasy spills all over the floor, he saw that the lunch ladies looked rather odd. Instead of the normal lunchlady with rolls of flesh billowing out of her apron and letting her belly button hang in the macaroni and cheese, they had two stick-thin ladies with pale yellow porous skin and large, unblinking eyes. As he slid his tray down the counter, picking up anything that seemed remotely edible, he saw them watching him. He didn't think much of this, until he saw that instead of milk, all that was available to drink was…  
  
"Water?" A kid in front of him queried, looking a bit disappointed.  
  
The pair of lunch ladies both crowded over to him, ignoring everyone else in line.   
  
"Yes," said one in a mechanical tone, "water is very good. Good for humans. Humans should drink the water." When the kid still hesitated, one reached a stick-thin arm and snatched the water glass from him, slamming it down onto his tray. "DRINK WATER NOW!" she shouted. Both of them then snapped back to their places, ladling the biscuits like nothing was wrong.  
  
Eyeing them suspiciously, Dib grabbed a glass of water, and stared at it. The water was green.  
  
Zim was taking in the cafeteria, mentally trying to find a place to sit where he would not be seen by the human stinkbeast known as Keef, when he saw Dib approaching, looking angry, and brandishing a glass of water in his hand. Zim turned to ignore the filthy human.  
  
"Zim!" Zim scowled. Dib had yelled loud enough for the entire cafeteria to hear, and he couldn't ignore him without making a scene. The small Irken turned to face his enemy.  
  
"What?" he asked, putting as much annoyance and hatred into that one word as possible.  
  
"You think you're real smart, don't you?" Dib said in a dangerously quiet voice. "Think you can get away with poisoning the water supply? Think you'll be able to fool me with this, huh?" At Zim's wide, confused eyes, he thrust the waterglass forward. "It's GREEN, Zim!"   
  
"I don't know what on Irk you're talking about," Zim said, eyeing the water cautiously. If a drop of that got on him, it would be very painful. "Obviously, your pathetic human mental facilities are lacking in their reality centers."  
  
"Oh no, you won't get away with it this time, Zim!" With a quick flick of his hand, he tossed the glass of water all over the alien.  
  
"Acck!" Zim flinched, his face contorted in pain. Then, he stopped. His eyes widened as he watched the green liquid slowly run down his face, off of his chin, to splash onto the floor, with no burning sensation whatsoever. He stared at it for a minute, then looked back up at Dib. "Wha-?"  
  
Dib, too, was surprised. Not only had the water not hurt Zim, but Zim had been surprised that it hadn't hurt him! Unless it was all just a trick… He watched Zim's eyes travel from his face back to the green water, and then up beyond Dib's head. Zim's pupils shrank, and his skin turned pale green.   
  
Dib whirled around, to see the eyes of the two lunch ladies on him, turning bright red beneath their hairnets. At that moment, the bell rang, signifying the end of the five minute lunch period. Zim's eyes darted from the food counter to the bell above the door, and he quickly turned and walked away.  
  
As the cafeteria emptied, Dib saw the two red-eyed lunch ladies turn to each other as if to confer, and then disappear through a side door, moving so smoothly across the floor that Dib would have sworn they had wheels instead of feet.  
  
When they all filed into the classroom, something green caught Dib's eye. There was a glass of the green water on every desk, including Miss Bitters'. Nobody seemed to think it odd, and they all kept taking larger and larger sips from their cups. Dib and Zim were the only ones who refrained. Dib, still partly convinced that this was another alien consipracy, sent evil looks at Zim the whole time, who was still partly pale from shock.   
  
"Class, open to page fifty-five in your grammar books. Today we'll be studying irregular verbs, and how they will never apply to your life, and how the study of them is just a waste of time when you could be doing something else, like getting a job, so that maybe when you're seventy-two you'll have enough money set aside to avoid having to get a boring job stuffing the minds of the youth of America with irrelevant facts and speeding them towards the total failure that their lives will eventually become." Miss Bitters paused for a breath, and took a drink of water. "Now… Irregular verbs are… verbs…" She took another drink of water. "Verbs that aren't regular are irregular… Page fifty five… Verbs…" She took another drink, longer this time. "Everyone write down an irregular verb on paper… An irregular glass of water… A sip of verbs… Yes… Water…" She gulped down the rest of her water. "Um…" She looked lost for a minute. "Class dismissed."  
  
Dib's eyes widened. "But Miss Bitters, the day isn't even half over yet!"   
  
Everyone else groaned, and threw things at Dib, who shrank back into his chair as Miss Bitters began smacking her lips together, still mumbling about verbs. He and Zim exchanged glances.  
  
"Zim, what have you done to Miss Bitters?" he asked angrily as soon as they were alone in the hall. For some reason, the rest of their classmates seemed content to stay in their stuffy classroom and finish their water rather than leave.   
  
"I haven't done a thing to the decaying teacher slave," Zim replied honestly, yet still annoyed. "Apparently there is something wrong with your pitiful human plumbing, that has turned your water green. I have absolutely no idea-"  
  
Zim stopped as he heard the dull thud, thud, thud of heavy footsteps behind him. He turned around, slowly, and saw that four "lunch ladies" had just rounded the corner, and were heading casually but steadily towards him. Both he and Dib watched them, frozen in spot by an unexplainable fear.  
  
"That one." One of the "ladies" said in a voice much to deep to be a female's, pointing a yellowy finger at Zim. "And the other one, the humanoid, drank no water."   
  
"AAAHHHH!" Zim whirled around to start running, forgetting that Dib was in his way. They both tumbled to the ground, and Zim was up and running again before Dib could say half of the four-letter words coming to mind. He glanced at the "lunch ladies" and stared in shock. The aprons and hairnets lay abandoned on the floor, and in their place stood four tall, thin people with pourous yellow skin. They ran on four spider legs with huge feet, and had long metallic arms with huge claws that stretched towards him.  
  
"AAAHHHH!" Dib repeated Zim, taking off after him. Dib being much faster than the short-legged alien, he caught up to him in moments. Together their footsteps pounded against the floor so hard that it was easy for the aliens to follow. Zim dared to glance backwards, and saw that the aliens would soon catch up. As they rounded a corner, he grabbed onto the first doorknob he felt, threw the door open, and dived inside.  
  
Dib followed him in, and they sat gasping for breath on the cold, wet tile inside. Both of them went completely still as they heard the footfalls pause by the door, and pass them by. Dib heaved a sigh of relief, then looked around. He stared in wonder as he realized where he was.   
  
"The girl's bathroom," he whispered reverently, staring around him. Then his mind snapped back to more important things. "Zim, what are those things chasing us?"  
  
Zim stood, straightening his clothing, and not looking at Dib. "No need for you to know, human stinkbeast. They are no concern of yours."  
  
"What have they done to the water?" Dib cast a look through an open stall door. The water in the toilet was a sickly green.   
  
Zim was muttering to himself. "I thought they were extinct! But they must be… Foolish creatures… Not while I am here!" He realized Dib was watching him, and narrowed his eyes. "Perhaps I should just stand out of the way and let the creatures do the job for me, hmm? They will conquer the earth, and then I'll conquer them, and either way earth will be mine! And I will conquer all who stand in the way of me, for I am Zim! The elitest of the elite from the Irken Empire!" He started to laugh maniacally.  
  
Dib slapped a hand over his mouth as the footsteps returned. They heard the alien voices again, in conversation.  
  
"…wants to be sure that all the humans have been infected," the voice said as they walked by. "And the Most High Loomster also wants the short Irken Invader, because once the ships are manned we will be heading for Irk, and…" they walked past.   
  
They both heaved huge sighs of relief as the voices missed them yet another time. Then they froze as the door opened, and a girl from Zim's class walked in. They looked at her. After a moment, she looked at them. They offered guilty smiles. She smiled back. Then she screamed.  
  
"AAAAAIIIII!!!!!" She turned and ran out of the bathroom.   
  
Zim and Dib stared at each other, then both of their eyes flicked up to the glazed window several feet above them on the outer wall.   
  
"Quick, let me climb on your shoulders," Dib hissed.   
  
Zim gave him a suspicious look. "Why should I do that?"  
  
"So I can climb out the window!" Dib said, then caught himself. "So we can climb out the window, of course." He gave a very fake laugh at his mistake. Zim seemed to register neither the mistake or the laugh.  
  
"Very well then, inferior alien child." Zim bent down, and Dib quickly stepped onto his shoulders. They could hear alien footsteps coming down the hall very quickly. As Zim stood up, he wobbled back and forth quite a bit, not being used to the extra weight. It didn't help that Dib kept leaning forward, trying to reach the window faster and only making Zim less stable. Two more inches, one more inch, got it! He threw the catch, lifted the glass with one arm, and was outside! Fortunately it was a first floor bathroom.   
  
"Now help me up!" demanded Zim.  
  
"Never, evil alien scum!" Dib laughed superiorly, then started to sprint away.  
  
Zim slapped himself on the forehead, growling and muttering Irken curses, then pressed a button on his backpack. The pack sprouted long spider legs which lifted him to the leve of the window. He was just retracting the legs and starting to climb out the opening when the bathroom door opened with a bang.  
  
"There it is!" One of the alien lunch ladies yelled, pointing at Zim. Zim crawled out, and scrambled after Dib, who was already disappearing out the schoolyard and into the relatively crowded street.   
  
Zim quickly followed his enemy's example and pushed through the people to get lost in the crowd. The smell all around him of human stink and awful car pollution made him want to cover his nose, but he didn't, because that would be acting abnormally, and the last thing he wanted to be was conspicuos. Not when the… Zim could barely think the name without a shiver of horror running through him, but he forced himself to think it.  
  
The Neferch were on Earth. They were not extinct, as all of Irk had assumed them to be. They were alive. And they were on Earth, the planet that Zim would soon have under his rule.   
  
Zim slowly glanced over his shoulder. No, he was not being followed. But he would have to get home as soon as he possibly could, to try and plan how he could avoid being killed by the Neferch, as they obviously didn't want to make any kind of offer for an alliance with him. But, he wondered, staring as a woman drank from a bottle filled with green water as she rollerskated down the sidewalk, what in the world was wrong with the water?  
  
He turned the corner to his house, not seeing the rollerskater smash into a lightpost right behind him. The woman took another gulp of water, stood, and slammed into the lightpost again. And then a third time, and a fourth, and a fifth…  
  
Meanwhile, Dib was tore through his front yard, destination clearly in mind: my computer, I have to get to my computer. This new threat to Earth must be terrible, if even Zim was afraid of it. He had to get to his room, to his computer, he had to…  
  
He stopped abruptly in his front yard with the odd feeling that something was different, very different. He took several steps back, to the edge of his yard, and looked around. Yes, something was definitely wrong with this picture, but he couldn't figure out what. His eyes flickered momentarily to his bedroom window; nope, that was the same shade pulled down as he'd always had. Gaz's window wasn't odd either, with its black curtains blocked all sunlight from entering her room. The front yard was the same weedy plot it'd been when he left. The driveway had his dad's familiar car in it. The telescope was still in the bac- wait a minute! Dib's dad wasn't supposed to be home for… he looked at his watch. One o'clock in the afternoon, his dad wasn't supposed to be home for several more hours now. Almost nervously, he walked across the grass to the car, and peered in the passenger window. Empty. But wait! Dib stared in horror at a plastic water bottle sitting half-empty in the cup holder… The water was green. The same dull green that the water had been at skool… "Dad!"   
  
Dib leaped into the house and took the stairs down to his dad's basement lab three at a time. Unfortunately, his legs weren't quite long enough for this feat, and he tripped and somersaulted the last ten steps, each bounce and roll punctuated with a yelp of pain.   
  
The downstairs was creepy. Fog was issuing out of a light-ringed door, only several steps across the damp stone floor away from the foot of the stairs where Dib was tied in a knot. Gaz had for some reason thought it funny to leave posters with skulls and red eyes all over the walls, and to have a tape player with continuous evil laughter playing hidden in the corner. Dib found it amusing for the first five minutes, but now it just bored him. He leapt to his feet and threw open the heavy door to his dad's lab.  
  
Everything looked normal at first. Well, normal for Professor Membrane's house; in any other house the scene before Dib would have been creepy and strange. Chemicals in beakers bubbling and fizzing, and strange squeaks and whistles coming from the ones stacked over Bunson burners. Caged lab rats and mice glowed radioactive green from the corner.  
  
But Dib's trained eye saw what the normal person wouldn't… That beaker over the burner was full of Nitrotriglycerbioxquadrahydoxide, known more commonly among scientists as "The Boom Daddy."  
  
"NO!" Dib leaped forward to knock the concoction off the burner. The small glass bottle shattered as it hit the ground, the mixture eating through the floor. But at least, Dib thought with a triumphant smile while he wiped his glasses, the mixture hadn't exploded. If it had been left over the heat a minute longer, the neighborhood could have been leveled. Why would his dad have done such a foolish thing? "Oh well," Dib said to himself, "at least the Membrane House is safe from devastating explosions once again."  
  
BOOM!   
  
Flames shot through the door to the second part of the lab. Dib whirled around in horror, trying to decide whether to run into the fire to see what had happened, or run for his life. This decision was halted by the flames' rapid disappearance.   
  
With many hacking coughs, Prof. Membrane appeared in the doorway, covered in soot. He looked at Dib.  
  
"We-ell, Dib," he said almost drunkenly. "Hi!"  
  
"Dad? Are you all right?"  
  
"I'm… I… what smells so bad?" Dib's dad sniffed the air. "Oh! Me! Huh ha ha ha ha ha!" He went into his evil scientist laugh, finally falling to the floor and pounding said surface with his fists in gales of riotous giggles.  
  
"Something in the water must have done this to him!" Dib grabbed his dad's arm. "I'm going to get you away from the lab. Don't want you destroying everything before I can prevent Zim from doing the same thing, after all." Soon the giggling father-figure was lying in his bed, still giggling and still smelling like rotton eggs. Dib held his nose as he walked down the stairs, wondering what to do next.   
  
Brrring! The phone let out its clarion call from downstairs.  
  
"I'll get it!" Dib called out from force of habit. The phone was never for him, though, so he wasn't sure what he'd do upon answering.  
  
But when he picked up, there was a familiar voice on the other line.   
  
"No! Gir, get away- STOP! I'm trying to talk to the Dib human! All right, fine, just one, but don't eat the rest! Those lightbulbs are for my experiment! STOP!" Then, into the phone, "Could you hang on a second?" Dib listened in astonishment to the sounds in the background, which included a high-pitched squealing and a crash that, if Dib didn't know better, sounded like thousands of lightbulbs being broken at once. Finally, a rather weary voice came back on. "Dib?"  
  
"Zim?" Dib asked quizzically. "Why are you calling me?"  
  
"Listen, human, and listen well. If you want to save earth, come to my house immediately"  
  
"Come to your house? Why?"  
  
"Don't ask questions, Dib human. Your home world is in terrible danger, and I need your help to prevent it from being destroyed. You must come over. If you do not, the entire planet is- No! You may not order a pizza, and I don't care if you have a coupon! Let go! Let go! Let---" The phone cut off suddenly.   
  
Dib stared at the phone for a moment, then slowly let it slide out of his hand back onto the base. He stood in thought, indecisive for a moment. At that moment he heard another explosion come from the basement, and more maniacal laughter.  
  
Quickly, he grabbed some paper and a pen.  
  
Dear Gaz,  
Off to Zim's house to save the world. Watch after Dad, he's a little crazy. If I'm not back in a few hours call… never mind, earth is doomed anyway. Pray I come back.   
Love, Dib  
DON'T DRINK THE WATER!!!  
  
Pinning the note on the door, he closed it gently and took off down the street on a rather familiar path, a path he had traveled many times.   
  
"You better not be lying, Zim," he muttered through his teeth.   
  
  
Next time, on ZIM!!!:  
The purpose of the green water is discovered, Dib meets Gir, and somebody's special secret superpowers are activated. Plus, a little more about the Neferch, and their invasion tactics.  



End file.
